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Thread: Funnies

  1. #2691
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Cape Town
    Posts
    9,075

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    How to tune a fish
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Korrie Broos

    Don't go knocking on Death's door, ring the bell and run like hell. He hates it. (anon)
    Nymphing, adds depth to your fly fishing.
    Nymphing, is fly fishing in another dimension

  2. #2692
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Cape Town
    Posts
    9,075

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    Why be normal?
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Korrie Broos

    Don't go knocking on Death's door, ring the bell and run like hell. He hates it. (anon)
    Nymphing, adds depth to your fly fishing.
    Nymphing, is fly fishing in another dimension

  3. #2693
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Cape Town
    Posts
    9,075

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    If the police arrest a mute person.... do they still have to advise him that he has the right to remain silent?
    Korrie Broos

    Don't go knocking on Death's door, ring the bell and run like hell. He hates it. (anon)
    Nymphing, adds depth to your fly fishing.
    Nymphing, is fly fishing in another dimension

  4. #2694
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Cape Town
    Posts
    9,075

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    WIFE: Your are shirtless!
    Me: Yes.
    WIFE:And also covered in.. OIL!!
    Me:Well you know how you always say that I never glisten?
    WIFE: LISTEN! You never LISTEN!
    ME: Ohhh.
    Korrie Broos

    Don't go knocking on Death's door, ring the bell and run like hell. He hates it. (anon)
    Nymphing, adds depth to your fly fishing.
    Nymphing, is fly fishing in another dimension

  5. #2695
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Cape Town
    Posts
    9,075

    Default

    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a
    Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.


    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
    absolute mint condition.


    He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
    great condition for 10
    years.


    'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'


    And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
    parents. Naturally, they
    take the bike there.


    But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I
    have to tell you
    something about my family before we go in.'


    'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
    Says anything during
    dinner has to do the dishes.'


    'No problem,' he says. And in they go.


    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
    Huge stack of dirty
    dishes.


    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
    stairs, in the corridor,
    everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.


    They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.


    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

    So he leans over and kisses Sandra.


    No one says a word.


    So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.


    Still, nobody says a word.


    So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
    table, and screws her
    right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little
    flustered, her dad is
    obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no
    one says a word.

    He looks at her mom..


    'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner
    table.
    Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
    Total silence.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
    rain.

    Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.....


    Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!
    Korrie Broos

    Don't go knocking on Death's door, ring the bell and run like hell. He hates it. (anon)
    Nymphing, adds depth to your fly fishing.
    Nymphing, is fly fishing in another dimension

  6. #2696
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Location
    Tampa, Florida
    Posts
    16

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    Let me add a few of mine:

    My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed..

    After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

  7. #2697
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Location
    Tampa, Florida
    Posts
    16

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    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

    Are - my - test - results - back?"

  8. #2698
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Location
    Tampa, Florida
    Posts
    16

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    I'd really like to start a career in mirror washing..

    It's something I could really see myself doing.

  9. #2699
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Location
    Tampa, Florida
    Posts
    16

    Default

    There once was a farmer with three daughters. They were all going on their first date at the same time.

    The farmer, being protective of his daughters, grabbed a shotgun and stood by the door.

    The first guy came to the door and said:
    "Hi, my names Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer thought he was ok, so they went out.

    The next boy came and said:
    "Hi, my names Kenny, I'm here for Benny, we are going to Denny's, is she ready? The farmer thought he was ok too, so they went off.

    The last boy came and said:
    "Hi, my names Chuck-" The farmer shot him in the chest.

  10. #2700
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Somerset West
    Posts
    274

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    Little Eddy and his mom were digging for fishing bait in the garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mom.

    No, honey, it wont do for bait, she said. Its not an earthworm.

    Its not? Eddy asked, his eyes wide. What planet is it from?
    _______________________

    Jaylun: Why do fish swim in schools?
    Ray: I dont know.
    Jaylun: Because they cant walk!
    ________________________

    Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall
    A: "Dam!"
    ________________________

    Q: Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing?
    A: Because it'll crack you up!.
    ________________________

    Q: What did one hillbilly say to another?
    A: I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife......best trade I ever made.
    ________________________

    Mother to daughter advice:
    Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
    But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

    Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.
    Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    The only reason your husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
    ________________________

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