Funnies

[Korrie]

How to tune a fish

[Korrie]

Why be normal?

[Korrie]

If the police arrest a mute person.... do they still have to advise him that he has the right to remain silent?

[Korrie]

WIFE: Your are shirtless!
Me: Yes.
WIFE:And also covered in.. OIL!!
Me:Well you know how you always say that I never glisten?
WIFE: LISTEN! You never LISTEN!
ME: Ohhh.

[Korrie]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a
Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.


The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
absolute mint condition.


He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10
years.


'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'


And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they
take the bike there.


But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I
have to tell you
something about my family before we go in.'


'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
Says anything during
dinner has to do the dishes.'


'No problem,' he says. And in they go.


Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
Huge stack of dirty
dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.


They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.


As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.


No one says a word.


So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.


Still, nobody says a word.


So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her
right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little
flustered, her dad is
obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no
one says a word.

He looks at her mom..


'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner
table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.....


Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

[ChaplinHarris]

Let me add a few of mine:

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed..

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

[ChaplinHarris]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[ChaplinHarris]

I'd really like to start a career in mirror washing..

It's something I could really see myself doing.

[ChaplinHarris]

There once was a farmer with three daughters. They were all going on their first date at the same time.

The farmer, being protective of his daughters, grabbed a shotgun and stood by the door.

The first guy came to the door and said:
"Hi, my names Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer thought he was ok, so they went out.

The next boy came and said:
"Hi, my names Kenny, I'm here for Benny, we are going to Denny's, is she ready? The farmer thought he was ok too, so they went off.

The last boy came and said:
"Hi, my names Chuck-" The farmer shot him in the chest.

[Booger Rose]

Little Eddy and his mom were digging for fishing bait in the garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mom.

“No, honey, it won’t do for bait,” she said. “It’s not an earthworm.”

“It’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is it from?”
_______________________

Jaylun: Why do fish swim in schools?
Ray: I don’t know.
Jaylun: Because they can’t walk!
________________________

Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall
A: "Dam!"
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Q: Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing?
A: Because it'll crack you up!.
________________________

Q: What did one hillbilly say to another?
A: I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife......best trade I ever made.
________________________

Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The only reason your husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
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