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Thread: Funnies

  1. #21
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    Default

    Does your organisation struggle with the problem of fitting people
    to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement:


    Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in
    a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
    without any instruction.

    At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.


    If they have taken the table apart in that time, assign them to
    Engineering.

    If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, put them in Finance.

    If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them to
    Manufacturing.

    If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

    If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

    If they are writing up the experience, send them to
    Technical Publications.

    If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to
    Security.

    If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them
    to Marketing.

    ...and if they've left early, put them in Sales.
    The closer one gets to realizing his destiny, the more that destiny becomes his true reason for being! Paulo Coelho

  2. #22
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    Default

    A border guard was surveying the landscape before him with his binocs and focused in on a puff of dust in the distance. Next thing the object crossed the border onto his side. Jumping up, rifle at the ready, he investigated and taking a closer look discovered a chicken laying an egg. Taking this as a blessing from above and a welcome change from his daily rations, he stooped to pick up the egg.

    The next thing, a farmer from the other side rushes up to him shouting "no no no no no....my chicken, my egg!!!"

    And so the debate began, between "my chicken, my egg!" on the one side to "my land, my egg" on the other.

    The guard then came up with a cunning plan. "lets have a competition to see who keeps the egg" he said

    "what do you suggest?" came the reply

    "lets have a ball kicking competition,.....we kick each others balls and the last one standing keeps the egg" said the guard

    "fine, but who goes first?" asked the farmer

    "let's toss a coin" suggested the guard "heads I win, tails you lose, the winner kicks first!"

    "ok" said the farmer, falling for the trick.

    Needless to say, the guard got to kick first

    He took 20 paces back before taking the run up in his size 13 paratrooper boots, towards the wide legged farmer, and placed a one well aimed kick at the vitals before him, giving it all he had.

    2 hours later, after much writhing and moaning and cursing on the ground, the farmer staggered to his feet. "You bastard!" he cried "My turn!"

    "Ag never mind, you can have the egg" came the reply

  3. #23
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    Default

    Can anybody tell me how to post a pic here?
    The closer one gets to realizing his destiny, the more that destiny becomes his true reason for being! Paulo Coelho

  4. #24
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    What i mean is there a way to post pics so that the image comes up and not an attachment?
    The closer one gets to realizing his destiny, the more that destiny becomes his true reason for being! Paulo Coelho

  5. #25
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    The Russian spy landed on an open paddy field at twighlight, and whilst stuffing his parachute into a nearby thicket was greeted by a old shepherd.

    "Ah, you'll be one of those Russian spys come to spy on our naval installations then?" asked the shepherd

    The bewildered Russian nodded, kinda embarrassed that his cover had been blown so soon, but seeing the aging shepherd as no big threat relaxed a bit.

    "Well never mind, come have a wee bite to eat with me at my cabin over yonder hill" sugested the friendly shepherd

    After a hearty meal, the shepherd said, "you are welcome to spend the night with me if you like?"

    Looking around the small cabin the Rusky noticed that there was only one single bed in the corner. "Where will I sleep?" he asked

    "With me of course!" came the shepherds reply

    "Do you think I'm funny?" the Russian blurted out

    The shepherd, smiling sheepishly replied "Have you never heard the saying, 'A red spy at night is a shepherds delight'?"

  6. #26
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    Default A Test!!!

    The Gutter-Mind Test!

    1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

    2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

    3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

    4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

    5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

    6). What does a dog do that you can step into?

    7). What is a 4-letter word that begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

    . What is hard,six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

    9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

    10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?


    See below for answers.....














    ================================================== ====================

    *** The Correct Answers ***

    1. talk
    2. legs
    3. a twenty dollar bill
    4. firetruck
    5. bunt, hunt,runt, punt, aunt
    6. pants
    7. fork
    8. Almond Joy candy bar
    9. grit
    10. last name
    The closer one gets to realizing his destiny, the more that destiny becomes his true reason for being! Paulo Coelho

  7. #27
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    Default

    A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
    >everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to
    enter
    > Paradise and meet their maker, *** decides to grant each person one
    wish
    > because of the grief they have experienced.
    > They're all lined up, and *** asks the first one what the wish is.
    >
    > "I want to be gorgeous," and so *** snaps His fingers, and it is done.
    > The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
    too."
    > Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
    > This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when
    > *** is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts
    laughing.
    > When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
    > laughing his head off. Finally, *** reaches this last guy and asks him
    > what his wish will be.
    >
    >
    > The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
    The closer one gets to realizing his destiny, the more that destiny becomes his true reason for being! Paulo Coelho

  8. #28
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    Sep 2006
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    Vanderbijlpark
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Umhlangarox View Post
    A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
    >everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to
    enter
    > Paradise and meet their maker, *** decides to grant each person one
    wish
    > because of the grief they have experienced.
    > They're all lined up, and *** asks the first one what the wish is.
    >
    > "I want to be gorgeous," and so *** snaps His fingers, and it is done.
    > The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
    too."
    > Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
    > This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when
    > *** is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts
    laughing.
    > When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
    > laughing his head off. Finally, *** reaches this last guy and asks him
    > what his wish will be.
    >
    >
    > The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
    HA HA HA , My kind of sense of humour
    It's not in the catching, it's in the learning something new.
    view albums at. http://www.flytalk.co.za/forum/album.php?u=659

  9. #29
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    Sep 2006
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    Cape Town
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    Default

    Cape Town
    >
    > From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
    > Edited version
    >
    > Cape Town is a city on the coast of South Africa so called because the

    > wearing of capes or cloaks is compulsory within the city limits.
    > Founded by Batman on his way to Melbourne from Holland in 1652. Cape
    > Town is also called "The mother city", believed to be due to the
    > highly expressive vocabulary of the local dialect (in which the words
    > "your mother" feature
    > regularly) and the cheap and nasty (but potent) local wine A different

    > school of thought believes the origin of the name lies in the fact
    > that it takes 9 months to do anything in this sleepy hollow.
    >
    > Cape Town is situated on a sandbar under Table Mountain (so called
    > because unlike most mountains, it is flat) at the bottom end of Africa
    .
    >
    > Cape Town became famous for the first successful heart transplant
    > operation at its "Great Skewer" Hospital by Christian Barnyard.
    >
    > Cape Town is neither as wealthy or as large as Johannesburg , so the
    > inhabitants compensate with a superior attitude based on the claim
    > that they were there first. Which none of them personally were, unless

    > they are over 300 years old.
    >
    > It is socially unacceptable for a Capetonian to talk to people that
    > they have not previously talked to, which severely limits social
    interactions.
    > If the opportunity should somehow present itself, a traditional Cape
    > Town greeting is "Jou ma se p##s", often abbreviated to "Jou ma",
    > which means, roughly "Good day and good health to you and your good
    mother, sir!"
    >
    > " Robin Island ", in the bay, was named after Batman's faithful
    sidekick.
    > Later it was renamed "Robbin' Island" and used as a jail, like
    > Alcatraz but with colder water around it and more sharks in it.
    >
    > In spite of the revolution in 1994 severe social inequality still
    > persists. Efforts to redress this historical imbalance are
    progressing
    > well, particularly the "muggem" initiative.
    >
    > Popular sports are, pretentiousness, drink driving, pole-vaulting,
    > homosexuality, French dressing and Mexican standoffs. The summer sport

    > of setting fire to the mountainside is more popular with tourists than

    > with locals, though all enjoy the cheerful spectacle of the flames and
    smoke.
    >
    >
    > Industries are growing the cash crops of wine and marijuana, making
    > mousetraps, drug abuse, watching paint dry, crime and mugging tourists

    > (not generally considered to be a crime). Cape Town holds the record
    > as the site of the largest car park in Cape Town .
    >
    > Since 2006, the town council of Cape Town has embraced an
    "Amishisation "
    > policy, and has turned it's back on the use of electricity, declaring
    > it a decadent bourgeous luxury. Electricity is slowly being phased out

    > in a series of "power cuts", and it is to be replaced by the use of
    > candles, paraffin lamps and fires for illumination and sing-alongs for

    > entertainment.
    >
    >
    >
    > Cape Town is the first place to boast an Invisible Bridge. However,
    > the bridge is currently not in use as the city council refused to
    > believe the claims of the construction company when they informed the
    > council that they had developed a new building material which was
    > stronger than steel but could not be seen by the human eye. The city
    > council is said to have likened the bridge fiasco to "the Emperors New
    clothes".
    >
    > Roads Memorial celebrates the fact that Cape Town is where roads were
    > invented. This is delightfully done by means of a monument which
    > includes important tools to road-making such as lions, a man with a
    > horse and some dude's head.
    >
    > Bergies are Cape Town 's world famous mountaineers who live on table
    > mountain and often come down into the city to welcome foreigners with
    > the traditional Capetonian greeting of "Jou maaaa se p##########s!"
    >

  10. #30
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    Location
    Waikato
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    Default Stutter

    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
    are the only animals that stutter", she says.

    A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she said.
    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
    asked the girl to describe the incident.

    "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
    Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
    it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

    "That must've been scary", said the teacher.

    "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
    Fffff'... and before he could say "F**K!," the Rottweiler ate him!

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