Funnies

[Umhlangarox]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[MCC]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.

He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food", the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." Shocked, the lawyer

said: "Well then you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."

The second man said: "Yes, and I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them along." The lawyer replied.

So they all jammed into the huge limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said: "Sir, You are too kind. Thank you for taking us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll really enjoy my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"

[Umhlangarox]

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge

wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a

Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."


"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she

never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved
twice telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."


"Where's Jacob Zuma's ?" asked the man.

" Jake's clock is in ***'s office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[gkieser]

Okay I think it's dof joke time:

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?

DAM!!

[Umhlangarox]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all; gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".

[gkieser]

1) A man walks into a bar: BANG! OUCH!

2) A seal walks into a club......

[Umhlangarox]

1) A man walks into a bar: BANG! OUCH!

2) A seal walks into a club......

Flip Grant you have got some real great jokes there hey

[Nepptune]

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"........

[gkieser]

Maybe this one is a bit better:

A woman is doing her grocery shopping. She arrives at the checkout and begins to unpack the following goods:

1 x Loaf of white bread
1 x 1lt Low fat milk
1 x curry tv dinner
1 x onion
2 x tomatoes
1 x Jar of Marmite
1 x 500g sugar
1 x Five roses tea bags
1 x dish washing liquid
2 x rolls of toilet paper
1 x heat magazine

The guy at the checkout scans all the items, packs them into a bag and then asks the woman "You're single aren't you?".

"Yes!" She replies. "Could you tell that just from the things that I bought?"

"No", he says, "It's because you're f*ckin ugly!".

*bows*

[Umhlangarox]

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''