Funnies

[Gogga]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

All the best
Mike

[Umhlangarox]

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl

roommate Sunita.



During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't

help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long

been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had

only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching

the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and

his

roommate than met the eye.



Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know

what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just

roommates."



About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying,"Ever since your mother came

to dinner, I've been unable

to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"



"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."



So he sat down and wrote : Dear Mother, I'm not saying that

you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did

not'take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing

ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Kumar



Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother

which read :

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and

I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains

that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney

jar

by now.

Love, Mom.

[KevinC]

A Texan cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.



He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"



The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"



The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"



The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"



The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"



The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins."

[KevinE]

Nice one Kev Why is it that jokes with balls are always a winner?

[Umhlangarox]

Joe went to the doctor with his headaches that he had had for years.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
Long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
Mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years".

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.

The salesman shook his head,"You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."



New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[KevinE]

The salesman shook his head,"You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."

This is what I am talking about

[Umhlangarox]

This is what I am talking about

Ja i also really enjoyed this one

[Fario]

Bono was at a U2 concert in Glasgow this year when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence.

"Well, stop f**king doing it then!"

[Dyno]

Ha Ha, even though I've heard it before.

[Umhlangarox]

1. its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job
2.its important to have a woman who makes you laugh
3.its important to have a woman who u can trust and doesnt lie
4.its important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes being with you
5.its very very very important that these 4 women dont know each other!!!!!!!!